Chris’s Letter of Encouragement to Cougar Lover’s
I hesitated when naming this letter.
“Cougar” was at one time a pejorative term, which is to say offensive, in the same way Anne Coulter says the word “liberal” or Cartman says the word “Jew”. But, for the most part, these woman seem to have taken back the word, just as the “Yankee’s”, the “Quakers” and the “Ham” radio operators before them.
If you know any of these women, it can hardly be a surprise. Something happens to women as they get older. They become more confident, owing most likely to a lifetime spent crashing through glass ceilings and throwing off sexist stereotypes. In many ways the assaults keep on coming, but the older the woman the more she’s survived, and she becomes stronger if it doesn’t break her (if you’re nodding in agreement, you aren’t broken). In many ways, these women are some of the strongest people on the planet, and maybe that’s why we love them. Who, if anyone, could we expect to throw off and tame a word so quickly as a cougar.
Cougar Lover’s, as I have politely termed them, face a different challenge…
There was only one applicable term for who we are on the wikipedia page for “Age disparity in sexual relationships”, and it was “boy toy,” or in some cases “toy boy”. I might have also chosen to think of myself as a “male-lolita” though that seems scarcely better. One is effeminate, while the other sounds both immature and naïve, two things that I can’t stand. Perhaps I’m lacking in imagination, or perhaps I just haven’t been through the kind of testing most cougar’s have, but I cannot see turning this one around.
It’s for this reason, and a few others I need not go into, that I persist in believing the males have a steeper hill to climb.
If you’ve been into an adult video store in the past year (and if you’re a male my age, you have) you might have noticed a new title from Naughty America, “Mauled by a Cougar!”. But while a good cougar mauling can be a fun and integral part of any relationship (and an educating experience I think every young man deserves at least once, as backed up by my good friend Benjamin Franklin), it is but one aspect of an infinitely varied and complex relationship, and not nearly so important as the softer side.
I say “softer side” with some sense of irony, for the softer side is often the most difficult part. I make no judgment, but having been a part of one or two lust-induced affairs myself, I feel confident in saying that any ordinary human being can get his kicks in the time honored manner. What takes the most out of you, the most balls, so to speak, is having the courage to display your affection to all the world.
This is easier said than done. I don’t think I have ever been more nervous in my life than when introducing Veronica to my parents for the first time (keep in mind I have yet to walk down the aisle with her). Veronica was actually the second cougar I have had the pleasure to be mauled by, but even though the first had almost no hope of expanding beyond the privacy of my immediate social circle, I still remember having nightmares about what my mom might say if I introduced them.
Fathers, I think, are a little more understanding. Most of us have had a love-hate relationship with our dad’s since the cradle, and most of us would be hard pressed not to say they had some role in chasing us out of the house. After some time passes the emotions level out and you can feel comfortable visiting your father’s home; you learn to respect each other and the control you have over your own life.
Mothers, however, are a different story. Mothers, for the most part, never want to relinquish their control (or is my mom the only “super-mom” out there?). I’m speaking for her, of course, but I think my mother had always harbored secret thoughts of me moving back to Toledo, Ohio, as close as possible to her, settling down with a local girl and coming to visit every weekend.
But can I really blame her for being upset that I would shatter her fantasies, especially when Veronica was closer to her age than my own (a fact I reflected on so many times in the weeks leading up to the meeting). My mother had some very sharp criticism for me later that night, though by that time I had already come to accept the impending doom, and to realize that I could live with it. My mom has since relented, saying that it’s my life and my choice, though I wonder how much of that is because she’s hoping we’ll fall apart under the stresses of a distance relationship.
Truth be known, it was another man’s opinion I was really after. Not necessarily my dad’s, who couldn’t get in a word edgewise around my mom, and gave up entirely after my sister joined the conversation. His input would have helped, but mostly I wanted the judgment of my best friend. Chris, though not a cougar-lover himself, has always been very supportive, and has been more or less inoculated to the weirdness in my life, so he was well prepared to give his blessing. In that, I suppose, I am lucky.
In comparison to the family visit, the office party was as nothing. I was a little concerned that my co-workers would be embarrassed by Veronica’s presence at my farewell luncheon, but other than a dogged insistence from my immediate supervisor that “she’s no girl, that’s a woman,” it seemed to go over pretty well. What could I say, she was telling the truth.
Ultimately, I wonder if the greatest embarrassment to break through has been my own. I grew up in a mostly German-American community, where the girls were short, thin and pale, with brown hair and brown eyes. For virtually my entire life this has seemed like the standard package, and deep down I always assumed it was what I would end up with. How was I now to adjust to falling in love with a woman who was nothing like what I had ever imagined?
Despite what you may think, none of these thoughts are bad things. It’s just another part of your psyche you have to delve into, and in a way it’s no more than the doubt any man is bound to go through when committing fully for the first time.
Yes, men face a lot of pressure too, and in some cases more so. Society tells us we are supposed to be older and more capable than our mates. But if you are reading this, chances are you aren’t the kind of person who cares much what society has to say, anyway.
You’ve got to be strong, to break one of the last remaining taboos in relationships. You’ve got to have the courage of your own convictions, you have to know what your doing is right, and you have to be confident in your own, and your partners, ability to withstand anything.
We’re not any weaker for it. We’re stronger, for daring to support a love that is truly timeless, even when no one else will. At least now you know you aren’t alone, and I wish you all the luck in the world.
Thanks for listening,
-Chris.
| Veronica's Letter of Encouragement to Cougars I personally was oblivious to the name Cougar until Chris mentioned it to me. I am one of those women that supports the term, as I feel is not a dissmisive term, but more truly, an aknowledgement of our very particular set of circumstances and preferences, and a statement that we are the cat's meow ;-} How did I come to this Cougar road in the first place? I guess the same way most of us do. The long and winding way. I guess my first Cougar experience, was when I was 16 and I made me a boyfriend aged 13. Hey, he looked my age, and was about a foot taller than me! I have fond memories of getting out from high school and picking him up in 6th grade. All kidding aside, I feel that a very large amount of women like me, have either already experienced long term relationships, or marriages with people our old age or older, and for one reason or another found ourselves back on the market, alone and with a lot of dreams and hopes still not realized. As I explored what I wanted to find in a new companion, and what I absolutely did NOT want, I realized that I would very much like someone that would enjoy living an active, fun life. Now, I am not saying all men my age can be completely counted out from being able to provide just that, but you have to admit that we as women stay vital in a more even way. So for me what started as an adventure in having careless fun with someone that would be excited about life, led me to the realization that I really liked younger men, because they were up to the challenge. I have to confess I did have a brief dating spat with some other young friend before Chris, and that helped me understand why it just made sense for me, to have a younger lover. It is not just the fun, but the passion with which they embrace life, and how appreciative they are of your talents, your jokes, your achievements and your experiences. And of course, the physical factor cannot be denied. Women don't just peak sexually in their 30s and up, but they have the drive and the know how, and the younger lovers, hungry for experience are just perfect for all our imagination and ambitions. But sex aside, it's the treatment that I get. The puppy love experience without the stress, baggage, and paranoia of a relationship with a battle-scarred mate, and the absence of constant talk about retirement plans. Is the return to hope, and a look to the future as far as the horizon. Is the life, and the love. Has it been a challenge? you betcha. The first thing that came out one of my sister's mouth when I had just dated my man for about 3 weeks was "you make sure you are the one that has the control. You are the older one and therefore you should play with him but never love him". The next one and most common I have heard from a couple people is "he's going to cheat on you with someone younger as soon as you are not looking", and the one that tops it off "you are old and the only thing you can offer him is what an old man offers a young woman, financial security". A friend with a husband more than 20 years older than her only said that my mate is "highly trainable" WOW! Why does everybody feels so much animosity toward this kind of relationship, when nobody seems to care if a 45 year old man has an 18 year old mistress or wife?? Why does people feel compelled to talk about your relationship with the same discouraging passion of someone trying to convince a vegetarian on the naiveness of their choices? I guess sometime in ancient times, women were not supposed to have a choice, but to see if a same age or older male would want them, and this rattles at that concept in that we are not limiting ourselves by our age, and we are open to experiment a relationship with our choice of ages. There are some circumstances harder to face than others. Family is a challenge. Yours and his. Most moms dream of their son loving a young woman their own age and (I bet often in secret), the chances to be of use with relationship advise for their young love or marriage. Trump card on this relationship, were a mature woman would never allow them to stick their loving motherly little fingers, into the relationship or how you should run your home. So I can see why they would have reserves and fears that they are not the go-to woman in their son's life anymore. I was asked once what would my reaction would be if my son would walk in and introduced his lover, twice his age. I honestly replied "I would tell her to take good care of him and love him and that if she broke his heart, she would answer to me". So I guess it boils down to the anxiety we all have of our loved ones being happy. And even if we come in different packages than expected, if it makes him happy they should be happy too. Of course we have walked in to new places and been asked "is that your son?", but we just chuckle and clarify that we are indeed in a relationship. Is hillarious to me, to see people putting their foot in their mouth for having asked. It really hasn't bothered me, and I have never heard Chris complain. Surprisingly, most places and people are totally natural when we are together, or display our affection in public. I have noticed, since I started down this road, the amazing amount of people I know, which are in Cougar Loves and I never knew. Just in my work with almost 70 staff, I have half a dozen couples on Cougar relationships, with age gaps ranging from 4 years to 10, and myself at 14 years difference. So I believe this is a growing trend, and that we are coming to terms with what makes a good relationship in this society. It is for this reason that we created CougarLove.net, because we know a lot of you are out there looking for clues and advise, just as much as we are. We don't pretend to be experts. Far from it. We are fellow travelers down the same road, with many of the same doubts, questions, and challenges. But above all, we all share the joy of giving this a chance and giving ourselves an honest chance to be happy. So, will it be hard? Maybe. Will it be happy? Depends on you. Will it be fun? You have a pretty good chance. Being a Cougar you can climb the highest, most perilous mountains with ease. Hey, you already made it here. So stay strong, feline, and don't let anybody tell you you should not dream. Follow your heart the way you set out to do, before anything bad and ugly started happening in your life. Rediscover the strenght to say "I am, I want, and I do". And should you stumble along the way, or find yourself at the crossroads and need help figuring out which road to take, come back and lean on us, Cougars and Cougar Lovers alike. Chances are someone in all this community will have a comforting or helpul word or advise. May all your love, and all your dreams come true today and always. Veronica |